Sadistik-Exception to Everything

[I remember somebody once asked me if I ever thought about regret... the answers no. Because when this masquerade is finally over I want to be remembered for who I am. Not who I was or who I wanted to be, cuz this right here, this is me, so follow this]

Even though I've never called it perfect
When I die, I want to know it all was worth it
I want to know that I tried my best with
Embracing every moment that I was blessed with
Every life, every death, every time that I wept
Every moment, every person, every line that I said
Every night, every day, every time every place
Every kiss, every wish, every side of the maze
Every cut, every bruise, every love that I'd lose
Every time that I broke and the times that I grew
Every drop of rain that these clouds would spew
To help form the man that I amounted to
And I'm thankful, that I am who I am
And I've been where I've been and I came out grateful
When it's finally time to make an exit
Just know, that I don't regret a single second

Jealousy

Jealousy is absolutely the worst human emotion.

Creates that sick feeling.

Makes one homicidal.

To Judge ones outsides by my insides is uncomfortable.

Need to seek to be closer.

Before it’s over.  It’s Loves closer.

Sometimes I’m almost happy it exists.

It’s easier to put up walls, easier to cut people off, easier to not care, easier to act out, easier to justify shady actions, easier to hurt people I love.

But it makes me physically ill.  Nauseous, irritable, angry.

Brings up hatred.  Causes me to ask unnecessary questions.

Questions Love, questions trust, questions sincerity.

Squashes unrealistic dreams.  Adds clarity to relationships.

Determines what is really important.  Decides where im at spiritually. Mentally. Emotionally.

It really does lift curtains and put me in perspective.  And that clarity is brutal.

Shows how far I have left to go, to grow.

A long way.  An impossible trek.  A steep climb. 

Fucking unattainable

How sick can one really be? How come I get so ill?  Why can I not stop basing things off past experiences?

Why can I not just create?  I have destroyed plenty.  Why can I not just Love?  I have hated and feared my whole life. 

I really believe that suffering is reserved for earth.

Soon enough jealousy will be non-existent.  Until I choose to experience it again.

Fake, superficial, phony, pointless, greedy, ugly ugly emotion!!

What’s next?

It seems like that’s always the question. 

Do I be rid of the things that bring it about?  Do I make changes?

Or do it sit in it?  Do I grow in it?  Do I wait?

Wait for the process to carry itself out yet again.

So long.  Im so impatient.  So uncomfortable.  I can’t handle pain.  So touchy.  I’m so sensitive. 

Wow!  I can whine.  I can cry.  Im good at it.

Simply frustrated.  Just venting.

It’s good for the soul to do so.

I just love too much.

I cannot hate for long.

I trust everyone.

So don’t’ lie to me, please, im begging you.

My heart is here for all to share.

Please leave it intact. 

Love it like I love you.

Treat It like it’s your own.

It’s sacred.  It’s Gods gift.

Don’t rewrite the verse for it is the song that defines me.

Austin

In a perfect world family is always next door,

And they’re never in a bad mood. 

Love is unconditional no matter what the condition is.

The weather is always cool.  The sun shines when we want it 2.

Children play without a care in the world. And we don’t have to keep an eye on them.

That’s happiness. Oblivious to the worlds truths.  Mans truths. 

Peace is a distant dream.  Like boys chasing ducks it’s always at arms length.

But we don’t give up same as them, and nor should we ever.

The pursuit is what makes life worthwhile.  It’s the better side of humanity.

It’s well worth it. Life that is.

Creation and Love is the Alpha and Omega.

The darker spots are necessary.  They bring us closer

Like the rainbow after the thunderstorm, Pure beauty.

It’s an endless state of being. Almost insane to ponder.

Around in circles.

“Push me daddy, faster, spin me on the tire swing!”

Same concept.

Live, Laugh, Love.

Son……

Chase dreams. “Swallow caterpillars & spit butterflies.”

It’s at your tips, u are one with the One.

If you remember anything remember that.

I love you like I love me.  That love is bulletproof.

I admire your soul.  It’s much evolved.

Push love, push compassion, push honesty.

I know you will. I know you won’t.

Both make me proud.

Watch sunsets, plant flowers, make love.

Enjoy everything

Create your heaven, and u will have it.

Manifest your hell, & experience it.

Both are miracles.

You are already doing this

So just pay attention

& let it happen.

Breath out…

Breath in…

There is…

No end…

Lucy

I woke up to a calm house.  Quiet, nothing but the sound of my own breath could be heard throughout the open space.  Something is different this morning.  The chaos that once plagued my thought life is nonexistent.  Rising from my bed I glanced out the window towards the edge of the forest.  I can see all the colors of the flowers rising up from the meadow floor.  It is so beautiful. I remind myself that it wasn’t always this way, and gratitude covers me like a blanket.  My world, the one I live in is beautiful.  I have a choice today to live in love or surrender to fear and self -doubt.  I choose my friends, my home, my job, and the way I live.  I decide how to respond to any given situation.  I decide if it will affect my peace of mind.  I control my own destiny through creation.  I determine what actions to take.  It has been a long road traveled to reach this point.  People have stood in the way, and I allowed this to happen.  I have stood in the way with no one but myself to blame.  To live in delusion is to sleep walk though life.  But I’m wide-awake now, and the storm has lifted, forecast says clear skies ahead.     

            I remember I was round ten years old and the world was so fascinating.  Every aspect of life and the mysteries of places unknown intrigued me as a child.  Dreams and possibilities were limitless and exceeded my own imagination.  Around this time I met a girl named Lucy.  Lucy and I immediately became best friends.  The very first encounter I had with her made a permanent impact on me, and reshaped the path my life would take.  At first Lucy and I saw each other very rarely.  But when a chance encounter took place we made every second count.  We thoroughly enjoyed one another’s company.  We spent hours both laughing and playing without a care in the world.  The friendship was pure and true and without condition of any kind.  Over time we began to see more of each other and by the age of 13 our meetings were a daily occurrence.  The fun was still there but I noticed something was different.  I had a strange feeling in my chest, best described as warm and comfortable.

            By high school our relationship completely evolved.  For the good or bad is open for debate.  I do know that my lack of attention to things other than her began to show.  My grades in school began to decline.  My involvement in things I once cared about began to diminish.  Sports, writing, and friends other than her slowly became less and less important.  I look back now and realize I was in love for the first time, for the only time.  I was blind to it all.  None of it mattered to me because I had Lucy.  I had found the missing piece to the puzzle of my heart, and that was all that mattered.  I was so blinded by this love that I failed to see the red flags that so blatantly manifested themselves before my eyes.  She made love to me.  She cared for me.  Without my knowing she lied and manipulated me into her puppet. She convinced me to ditch class to be with her.  Fight people to defend her honor.  Turn my back on friends and family that needed my help in order to spend more time with her.  There was no forcing me to do any of these things.  I gladly and willingly did all I could for her love.  She was my world, she was my goddess, she was my best friend, and I would never leave her.

            I speak a lot of negative experiences I remember, but truth is that a lot of good came from our love affair as well.  I had fun during those years of my life.  More so than any other time in my life, past or present.  We took weekend trips, went snowboarding, hiking, saw concerts, threw parties, and sat silent and content in each others company for hours on end.  I taught her things about me and she taught me things about life.  She helped to mold and shape my view of humanity.  It was she and I against the world, and that’s exactly how I wanted it to be.   We were different, unique, and people just didn’t understand us.  We took pride in how different we were from the rest of the world.  We were strong and smart, and a force to be reckoned with.  So it was natural that people like my parents would begin to view our relationship as a bad idea.  They would often say I spent far too much time with her and I needed to get my priorities straight.  In the face of opposition, rebellion seemed like the best option.  So I left my parents home, and my sheltered life, in search of a new life with her. 

            Things started out perfect like they had always been.  I worked a good job, paid, my rent on time, bought her gifts, and enjoyed the aloneness I had always dreamt of.  Finally, there was no one to get in the way, and we were free to do as we chose.  But quickly thereafter I began to notice that feelings I once had were not quite as strong.  We began to fight, we talked less, and we stopped doing all the fun things we once had.  She was not who I thought she was.  As quickly as I fell in love I began to hate.  I wanted her gone, but I couldn’t live another second without her.  Slowly her skeletons began to appear before my eyes.  Her love was conditional, and she was only out for personal gain.  Lucy was draining me of everything I was.  As long as I did what she wanted she was true, but the second I had a thought of my own that she disagreed with it was over.  I decided at that time I needed to go my own way.  So lost and scared I wandered into the world with no direction at all. 

            For the next seven years I tried to hide from Lucy.  I felt like a fugitive on the run, full of paranoia, and constantly looking over my shoulder.  But I could never completely get away from her.  She would lure me back with promises of change and I would believe her, only to be let down time and time again.  Even if I didn’t yield to the temptation of seeing her face, somehow she would always find me.  She was extremely cunning and had some sort of power with which I was defenseless over.  No matter how poorly she treated me, or what she did to me, I could not convince myself to stay away.  She set me up and had me arrested.  She caused me to lose my job, apartment, car, and my sanity.  I was completely betrayed by my best friend, and fell into a depression that left a noose around my neck.

            I went through the next four years of life like a zombie.  I was the definition of walking dead.  I was a victim.  I had been done wrong and I needed sympathy.  I needed people to show me pity and understand my pain.  It was all about me, how could she do this to me.  I’m broken and unfixable like a vase shattered into a thousand pieces.  I am going to die.  There is no coming back from this.  God I surrender.  I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep. 

            I awoke the next morning to a thunderstorm.  Fear poisons my first thoughts like a plague.  I walk towards the window and the floorboards squeak beneath my feet.  Outside it’s black, desolate and cold.  The rain is pouring down and slamming into the rooftop.  The continuous tap only adds to the pounding in my head.  This is it, this might be as good as it gets.  I need to find a way out of all this chaos.  I’m full of self-doubt and hatred.  All the beauty that was once in my life has completely vanished into darkness.  I’m now at a fork in the road with God and the devil standing on separate sides.  My head tells me that there is no way out of this tortured place.  I try and tell myself that this is a nightmare, that this is not real.  I try and convince myself that I have a choice but that is a lie.  You see once Lucy has you in her grips it’s close to impossible to break free.  Most people that have met her and become close to her end up lost forever.  Lost to either the grave or the asylum.  I’m so tired from running this uphill marathon, she is just to fast I cannot go on.  I will not spend another ounce of energy fighting her.  So I concede.  I drop to my knees and beg love and happiness to save me before it’s too late.  I beg for clarity of mind so I can return to sane thought.  I beg for help with more earnestness than I have ever felt before.  I fall to my stomach and lay my head on the floorboards.  The tears begin to flood as the rain continues to slam against the roof of the house.  I cry uncontrollably until I finally pass out from exhaustion. 

That night I had a beautiful dream.  I dreamt I woke up in a quiet house.  I dreamt of a beautiful meadow full of flowers.  There was no pain, no black skies, no misery or sadness.  My life was full of beauty and love.  I was free and no longer bound to Lucy’s chain.  I was full of gratitude and thankful for everything I had.  The storm had finally lifted, and I stood and stared at the forest with hope and optimism.   

           

Frustrations

Moral fabric.  Striped w. judgment.  Checkered with lies.  Sewn with hate.  Painted with Greed. 

Now you should feel guilty. Ashamed. Phony. 

Sit in disbelief.  Stare that blank stare. Pretend you can’t do anything to change it.

It seems so overwhelming. So impossible.

The world is so big.  There are so many people.

I wouldn’t even no where to begin.

I ask for help. I say I will. I let myself down.

They just Hate too much.  Fear too many.  Act out in anger and force.

Impose their will.  Do this or else.  Give me this or die.

If only they knew the truth.  The freedom they will feel.  The outcome of home.

It is frustrating.  I am scared.  I feel judged.  I feel sorry. 

I show no one this.

Or at least very few.

I can’t see any difference. 

Im blind if im not content.  Im unhappy if im not grateful.  I should be overjoyed.

I wish there was a restart button.

I have Faith but it wavers.  How do I keep it?  Constant. No matter what.

Love all.  Judge no one.  Be compassionate. Feel empathy.  Help those who ask.

Pay attention you might miss something.  Overlook an opportunity. 

I’m lazy.  I procrastinate.   I’m an amateur.

Nothing to offer, nothing worthwhile. 

It’s a lie, I t always has been.

Create yourself anew.  Stand for who you are.  Seek for what you know.

Don’t change in the face of ridicule.  Show your true self. 

Create, Create, Create.

That happens no matter what.  Magic is powerful.  The mind is amazing.

Lack of control is the dilemma.

I do have a voice.  Loud and booming.  

If only I would listen.